She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
