i jhust puked up my retainher.
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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