I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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