At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
