youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
