Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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