Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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