everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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