shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
