i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Boobs speak an international language.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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