i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
