Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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