Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
