i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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