turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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