Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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