I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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