Soap is not a condiment
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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