i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
