he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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