seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
