oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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