I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
