All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
