The maid of honor just puked.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
