the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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