i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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