I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
