you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
