grandma shit on top of the toilet
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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