you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
