like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How external is "for external use only"?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
