I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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