So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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