Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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