i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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