So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
