ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
