GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
