Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
