My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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