I hate your face
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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