i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
