you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
