im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
