I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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