My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
