some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
