I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
