I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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