I hate all girls vehemently.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
