I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
